I did not enjoy my 20’s. Much like middle school, my 3rd decade was brutal. When I look back and remember that particular time in my life, I hardly recognize myself. Like most young and directionless I sought approval from those who didn’t matter and more often than not, let down those who did. I do not remember my 20’s with fondness. I was weak and frightened and I didn’t like who I saw looking back at me in the mirror.
I went through some hardships brought on by my own carelessness until I hit a turning point. I don’t know if it was just the inevitability of growing up, albeit 5 or 10 years off schedule, or if something happened inside. Either way, my 30’s were much better. I found a bit of confidence. Tried a few new things. Stepped out of the tiny space that was my world and discovered a bit about myself and those around me. I was still guarded. Still dependent. Still unsure of my own worthiness or potential. But I was stronger than before. I was on the road to an awareness of myself that would possibly ensure a bit of random success. I wasn’t so afraid to try new things but I still wouldn’t have a party either, for fear that no one would show up.
As I eased into my late 30’s the changes in me became more drastic. I began discovering things not only about myself, but about the world in general. I had a bit of a revelation one day. It was a turning point. I am who I am. And more importantly, who I am, regardless of how I got to this point in my life, is fine. People eased up on me, when I eased up on myself. When I quit trying to fix “things“, make “things” different, regret how “things” were, “things” got better. I quit blaming myself for others issues. I got better about not taking it personally when people were unkind to me because I realized they could only be unkind or take advantage of me if I let them. I realized that I was a target because I drew a great big colorful bulls-eye right on my forehead. I invited people to lay blame on me rather than take responsibility for themselves. I learned that sometimes, people do or say negative things about others to build themselves up. And I learned that just because people aim, it doesn’t mean that I must stand still.
I am still learning and growing. I haven’t reached my destination yet. Sometimes, I have knee-jerk reactions to what’s going on around me. Occasionally, I allow others to affect me. The difference is, now I recognize it. Now, I am the ruler of Dana’s world. To be sure, there are those who don’t like the new me. They liked it better when they were able to direct all their negative energy toward me. They preferred to cast doubt, lay blame, point fingers, roll their eyes at me. But on my journey, I have discovered many things. One of the most important life lessons I have discovered is that I am the master of my universe. Once I lost the shackles of self-doubt, fear, anger and injustice, I was able to not only recognize potential in myself, but to recognize the strengths and weaknesses in others.
Currently, I am half way to my 49th year. I think the established mode for folks in my age bracket is to deny , defy and disregard. I’m not supposed to like birthdays. I’m not supposed to enjoy getting older. I’m not supposed to enjoy the attention. I don’t like my birthday because I get gifts, although, my split apart spoils me terribly, I love my birthday because it’s a reminder that I’m here. That I have made it thus far. That the successes I have enjoyed are not random. That life is making good on its promises. And, I like chocolate cake.
On my personal journey, my 30’s were so much better than my 20's. My 40’s have been even more fabulous than my 30's! If the trend continues, my 50’s are going to be awesome.
And I say, bring it on…
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