hittin' below the belt

When I was little, the world was a scary place. Everyone was bigger, smarter, funnier, prettier, luckier and more talented than me. They had joyful lives. They didn't fear spiders. They could run faster, swim better, hit the ball. They knew what they wanted to be when they grew up and they were good and successful at everything they tried and the whole world loved them. All of them. I very much wanted to partake of the fruits of society. To be invited to the party of life.

In elementary school, I got beaten up everyday. I still remember the girl that did it. I often imagine her and wonder where she is and how her life turned out. I hope she didn't end up living some dreadful, painful life of want due to the bad Karma she must have acquired for her cruelty. As I got older, I realized that she must have really felt awful about herself. She picked on me to feel better. I doubt it was a successful plan. There was another girl too. She never hit me. But her words hurt worse. I've searched for her from time to time since the advent of the www. She reminded me of a chihuahua. I would think about that when she was running her mouth. As she was spewing her hateful mantras toward me, I would picture a little yippy dog with little hair and bug eyes. It always made me laugh. To this day, whenever I see one of those dogs I think of her. It still makes me laugh although I feel a little bad about disparaging all those sweet little dogs.

It's important to point out here, that for every unkind, creepy kid, I knew far more who were kind, and well, normal.

There's a moral to this story. When someone hit me, I would not hit back. I would stand there and take it, but I would not raise a hand to my aggressor. I think I knew even then, though I didn't understand it at the time. I knew that I did not have it in me to inflict that kind of pain. I don't think that girl ever even bruised me. She hit as hard as she could, but other than the discomfort of a blow to the stomach, she didn't physically hurt me. It was my spirit she broke. I did not understand the need of some to hurt someone else. I was incapable of being unkind in that way because I knew how painful it was. I suspected that nothing I did would hurt as much as whatever it was that was already causing them pain.

As an adult, those concepts are much clearer to me now. Always wondering what is going on in the lives and minds of those who punish themselves by punishing others. The mystery is seldom revealed. As children, we often mistake kindness or apathy or even differences for weakness. I suppose we do that as adults as well. We don't beat them up anymore. Not physically. We withhold love, friendship, respect. We roll our eyes or discount their opinions, assume those we see as weaklings to be wrong or incapable of contributing. Unfortunately for us as well as our victims, we most likely missed opportunities to see within.

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What I didn't understand as a child was that pretty much, everyone else felt the same way. In my later years, that would evolve into quite a relief. I wanted to be normal, whatever that was. As it turned out, I was. Finally, I recognize the weakness of those who would belittle another in attempts of self edification.

I still don't hit back.

hot pizza and difficult decisions

So, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Many things are happening and coming together, the stars are aligning, the clouds are parting, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. I like to mull things over for a decade or so before speaking about them but the time has coms...Mr. Scribbler and I chatted about it today...

So here's the dealio; I work for a growing ~ and wonderful ~ company that gives me the tools and the freedom to grow and  prosper in any way I see fit. Mostly. The wee bits that irritate me like a tortilla chip stuck in your gums or that hangy downy stuff on the roof of your mouth when you eat pizza that's too hot for human consumption are few and far between and for the most part, negotiable. 

So, I am coming up on my 5th anniversary with my company and in a very short time I shot to the top of the heap. I am a member of the National Design Team which allows me to travel; affords me educational opportunities that I would otherwise forego because of my  coughsotightIsqueakcough frugal tendencies; opens new doors of opportunity and affords me the teeny tiniest bit of distinction and prestige. It also gives me a reason to get really dressed up and spend the night in a swanky hotel once a year so they can thank me for my fabulousness while still wallowing very low on the food chain. I'm cool with that. I've been doing what I do in some form or fashion for what will be 29 years in June and still love going to work every day. In short (ok, I know it's much too late for that) I'm at the top of my game at present. 

AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDD...

I will be 50 on my upcoming birthday. Now, if you know me even a bit, you know I LOVE birthdays. Yours, mine, everybody's. Even my 50th. I can hardly wait. It has, however, brought home a realization. The choices I make now are more crucial than ever. If I take a few risks, I could substantially improve my quality of life in the next 5 to 15 years, and retirement will just be a continuation of the celebration. 

And therein lies the problem. I suddenly feel a tremendous amount of pressure concerning some career choices that I'm facing. I have several opportunities and fully expect to retire from my company. It's good. It's designed that way. Many doors opened when I hit the ranking of 7th in the company (out of 850ish), when I  made it through the auditions for the design team (they pay me to travel and talk shop), and most recently was awarded Trainer of the Year (I just wanted to brag about that one:c ) Other opportunities though are surfacing and mostly due to my success with my company. For example, I am being encouraged by several Redken Artists to submit the paperwork and a demo vid to become an Artist for Redken. I would still be able to do all the things I'm doing with my company; working behind the chair, training, traveling, etc. It would require a fairly large financial investment on my part because none of the preparatory training is in my area. It all calls for  travel and missing several weeks of work, plus, it's training I will have to pay for because it's necessary prior to sending in my application. I haven't missed several weeks of work even cumulatively in 29 years! I have until the end of December to get it all together if I want to be part of the 2012 Redken Recruitment. 

The icing on the cake? There's no guarantees. I could spend thousands of dollars, miss roughly a month of work, and not make the team. And, even if I do make the team, the rewards are more in terms of intangibles than tangibles because it takes several years and several bits of good luck for it to become particularly lucrative. My business in the salon will certainly be enhanced. I'll rise above the mere mortal designers in education and perks, and my skill level will expand so my clients will benefit quickly. But the pay off will be slow and steady and most likely match what I would do anyway without doing the audition at all.

So, I dunno. My practical side says it's too much for too little. My innards tell me - hell yeah! Education is everything, always "worth it" and is a monumentally integral part of who I am. My emotional and karmic reaction is that I have a responsibility to magnify that in which I excel and share my gifts. 

Any thoughts?